Sunday, March 27, 2005
and i remind myself, its just a blog.
i think i've forgotten what it means to blog, or the implications of it. either that or it has become more of like a publication, but sometimes i jus dont really know what im doing. i know that at that moment all that i type is exactly what i feel/think, and its as if everything is just being passed out through my fingers, transferred onto the computer screen. but then again these are just sudden impulses, and i wonder if they have any substance or concreteness as to the actuality of my being. hahaha wth? see what i mean :p sigh blog diary catharsis experience just seems a little extreme sometimes. maybe its my penchant for drama or being depressed.
i guess sometimes the heart and the mind imagine and feel things that arent really there, that dont really exist. but tts human nature isnt it? the mind might concoct some far out idea, and the heart would just amplify it. its how we control these two parts of ourselves that determine our fate. and im starting to understand more and more about control.
or so it seems, at 11:35 AM
'i want to die' the realisation that these words just slipped out of my mouth struck me hard in the face, and i realised just how truly cold i felt. just imagine, while in the middle of watching desperate housewives and chatting, i ran my hand through my hair and the words just came out, and it took be awhile before the shock wore out. i cant believe i just said tt. its when you reach your lowest point that you start to do things or say things that you never imagined possible, but its also then that you rediscover yourself and realise who you truly are. and it hits me, what i really need to do. i need to rediscover my life.
i've just been spending too much time thinking and feeling and not really doing anything. i guess maybe the way i've been viewing things has been tainted all the while, but then again, i've always thought that without my feelings i'd just be nothing, and that its my feelings that kept me alive. and i've been neglecting the mind. just where exactly does the conscience lie? is it in the heart? or in the mind? im starting to realise that its a little bit of both, and its something i need to work on.
sigh have you ever felt like you can never really talk to people about your problems? maybe because you think they'll seem really silly and trivial, or maybe because you think they won't understand, or maybe because you just dont want to burden them with your idiotic problems. or maybe because you've never felt close enough to anyone to talk about such things, perhaps because they've never shared such feelings with you. which is where a blog comes in, but it just thickens the plot. when you really think about it, it kinda presents a contradiction, that a person who likes to keep everything to himself just pours out everything on a blog, with the full knowledge that a blog is accessible to many. maybe its attention-seeking, maybe its exhibitionist, or maybe its the ability to hide behind this facade of a computer screen, where you wont have to deal with the realities of your words. of how your thoughts and feelings just end up being transposed onto an artificial template, perhaps a way of unburdening yourself when the load gets too heavy to bear.
sigh i just dont know anymore. i know i'm becoming more and more disillusioned with life, with everything thats happening around me. what i know and what i feel are in constant conflict, because it ends up that my thoughts try to dictate what i feel, but at the same time what i feel affects my thoughts. really screwed up isnt it? but one thing is clear to me now though. or sigh i dunno. haha =p
blah.
or so it seems, at 1:54 AM
Friday, March 18, 2005
release. release. tts all i need, all i want.
there are just all these things i need and want to say, to get out of my system, to pour out to the world. just to set myself free, to liberate myself from this life of emptiness and loneliness, of solitude and self-pity, of delusion and misery. and its all thats in me, everything created and formed out of the very essence that makes me, me. and i hate being me.
the process that links everything together all starts in the mind, the very core from which everything is formed. its easy to say 'oh my heart is in control, my emotions dictate who i really am and what i really feel' but how true is that? the mind is a powerful thing, and sooner or later you start to realise that everything can be predicated, everything can be anticipated, and that just kills the joy of living. its only when things that you never in your wildest dreams ever expected to happen that you know: this is the life i want to live. and yet.. how strangely mundane is that? that we have to live a life on unknowns, when all that we really need is the solid truth, the stability of love, the constancy of passion, the readiness of daily living.
by the time your mind starts to formulate thoughts and opinions, its already too late. before you know it your'e considering every single possibility, slowly but surely eliminating the various possibilities until the very last one is the one that has to happen, and your'e so sure of it. and true enough, it does happen, and it means so much less than what it should have meant if you had not given it any damn thought. they say that its all in the anticipation, but anticipation kills the moment. when all you live for is the moment, its not worth living for anymore.
how true it is that ignorance is bliss. with understanding comes the highest price men has to pay, and thats losing the thrll of life, the thrill of the unexpected, the surprises that we need to keep us pushing forward. wht understanding, the simpleness of life is gone. and its that simpleness that i cling to, for when you really start to think about it, the possibilities are endless. and as you ponder each and everyone of them, life narrows down to the intricacies. and by that stage you realise how little it all actually means. with a view of the big picture, you tend to lose sight of the little things. but when you focus in on the little things, you lose the big picture. and everything fades into one another, until it all becomes a blur. thats what life has become.
and why is it so? its so because we have a stupid goddamn fucking brain, a brain that has been nurtured to think all the time, to be in constant action. without it we are lost, and yet with it we are no much more found. the endless turns and twists in life make it impossible to find our way, and yet we try nonetheless to forge our own direction, when all we need to do is just sit still and let the current pull us. but thats what i've been trying too damn hard to do, until its as if the current pulling me is one that i've chosen to be pulled by, rather than a wave of emotion that i ride.
what does it all mean? it means that i've been letting myself be pulled, and yet at the same time being all too aware of where i'm being pulled. in essence, i'm letting mself be pulled by the current that i want to be pulled by. and instead of struggling against this wave of ease and comfort, which i should be, i let myself be swallowed up in this zone of constant lethargy, depression, laziness. a comfort zone where i can always fall back upon that one constant. the constant of self-pity. because with depressin comes the knowledge that i'll never need to face the real world, to face the troubles, to deal with the issues that need dealing.
its the always the case that life throws you more lemons than you need to make lemonade, and you try to make use of all the lemons, but there are just too many, until yo ujust give up and let them pile up. the lemons gain wait, adding to your burden, but your'e just too lazy to make the lemonade, for you feel that you'll just spend the rest of your life making lemonade, and the lemons just keep on coming. but there's more than just lemonade to make.
and yet in the end, realisation means nothing. whats the point knowing the world, and yet being unable to do anything about it? thats what makes ignorance bliss, because for in that moment of ignorance, your'e free. free from the troubles of life, able to cast away all your worries.
but i'll always see ignorance as a cowards choice. and yet, how different is that from knowing, and not doing anything about it.
cowards come in many forms, and they spawn from selfishness. the rewards of life mean less when you understand how they come about, and why they are deserved. when you expect something, the meaning is lost. when you expect something, its the disappoint that hits you more, that you feel more. and somehow thats more fufilling, because you really feel it then, and you recognise just how much it meant to you. pain is such a thrilling feeling, perhaps because it shows me the truth.
ironically, i thinks its the one thing holding me back, keeping me searching for drama. this compulsion of mine to feel pain, depression, isolation, self-pity.. somehow its as if i need such drama to survive. its the belief that ... without pain, love doesnt exist.
and yet... there has to be something more than just that. hope exists on its own, it doesnt need despair to function. but knowing and believing are completely different.
when will i believe?
oh Lord please tell me when.
or so it seems, at 12:07 AM
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
i feel old, suddenly. not old in the sense of wise of the world, mature in my thoughts and actions; but old in the sense of restless, lethargic, dragged and weighed down by the burdens of life. just spent the day in bed.. not helped by the fact that i've been down with a nasty cold. i would have called this the day i set aside in the week to get about preparing for my uni apps and scholarships, doing my research and working with my teachers to get about doing stuff. but i havent really done that, and neither was it my intention to do that today. everything has become so impulsive and on the spot that it becomes so tiring, and in the end the overriding emotion is that of apprehension, for it never stops nagging in my mind about my posting coming out on friday. and the worse part is, there's also soemthing nagging away, regardless of what im doing or whats happening in my life. even in the happiest moments, you just feel burnt out at the end of the day, tired from the days activities, or perhaps even disappointed that it couldnt have been a better day. because somehow, in some warped way, your positive attitude seems to suggest 'it can always be better'. and ironically, thats not positive at all. everythings screwed up, its a topsy turvy world we live in. or at least, that i do.
i dont know. its like everytime you just long for that week off, that time to spend some time doing everything you want, but then halfway through you just feel so restless, with many things needing to be done, and you dont get around to doing it; restless because you just feel like your'e in transition, standing still against the strong currents. but then again... sometimes you need to just stand still and figure out where you are, figure out which direction your'e headed, and whether you need to turn a little. to the left, or to the right. thats when decisions are made that change your life.
i used to see blogging as a simple thing for me to do just to pour out everything in my mind and release all my emotions. but lately i think my blog has changed, maybe perchance my writing style, but i think its more than just that. i've seen it become a place for me to reassure myself, starting off perhaps depressed or down, only for the writing process forcing me to end things positively, giving myself a slight boost. haha i've never been a person to be able to maintain my train of thought very long... thus my blog tends to take twists and turns like this. kinda reflects my life, ironically. heading somewhere, but without any fixed direction or purpose. twisting and turning along lifes road, i often find myself back where i started.. only with more experiences, and more burdens.
im wasting my time chasing shadows, living a life full of emptiness and blind choices.
or so it seems, at 6:52 PM
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
been spending a lot of time thinking and thinking, and not really doing anything productive. putting off uni apps on an hourly basis, considering scholarships and then not really doing anything concrete, basically all i've been doing is going out and slacking around. living the life, basically. but not one that requires much serious thought. something that i need to do.
sigh a lots been happening, its just that i dont feel like i'm really anywhere right now. i wouldnt really call it a transition period, but more like i've taken a timeout and stepped out of the way, standing by as i watch my life pass me by.
and... once again i have completely lost my train of thought, and kinda lost the mood to blog.
for some reason blogging seems to be lost on me now... maybe its because i just cant find the time to get down to it, or because by the time i finally get myself to the comp, i've completed all my reflecting and such. oh well. will find a good time to continue my rambling.
as for now... things will be as they'll be.
or so it seems, at 12:08 AM
Saturday, March 05, 2005
kinda forgot to blog... and didnt have much time :p or whatever. just lazy haha.
anyhow quite happy now... lifes going well, gonna PoP on wednesday... despite the way everything has been passing by in a blur, i still find myself where i want to be.
and im happy.
or so it seems, at 6:29 PM
